Lost

Sorry it's been so long. I certainly didn't plan on writing such a dense post and then just leaving you all behind, but I was trying to focus and me and the hubs. Of course I completely missed my own 1 yr blogiversary, oops. Right now I'm looking forward to seeing Wicked, MY FAVORITE, for the 4th or 5th time (I've kind of lost track), hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year, and going to Disney World for Christmas! OK, so that is pretty exciting, but that's all future stuff.

When I look at what's happened since my last post there's nothing really to report that's positive or interesting. What has happened since the last post is why I'm writing today. I'm feeling very lost. I've been doing reasonably good with staying positive, but so many of my friends and acquaintances are announcing their pregnancies or getting ready to have their babies and I find my self becoming angry and sad, which is not the reaction I should be having for these people whom I genuinely care about and should be excited for. I know it's not their fault that this morning I had yet another negative test. And the conflict that's going in in my heart ultimately ends with me just feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I can even have a fleeting moment of resentment towards even my dearest friends. I feel guilty that I may be putting too much pressure on my husband. I feel guilty that I'm struggling to love myself and my body even though it's not cooperating with what I want it to do. And I feel guilty for questioning God and what he has planned for me. I have 2 more cycles before my next annual exam, which is when we'll be referred to a specialist, if we're still not pregnant by then. At that time it will have been 2 yrs and 1 mo since we first found out we were pregnant and miscarried. It will have been 1 yr and 4 mos of trying with no results since our last miscarriage. And it will be 1 wk until my 29th birthday.

I've been trying to push all this out of my mind and be more positive. This morning, for the first time since July, I allowed myself to be hopeful when I peed on that stick. Not guarded, not pessimistic, truly excited and hopeful. I just knew this time it was going to be positive. That we would be calling the doctor to schedule our early ultrasound and get me started on progesterone sometime next week, ideally Thursday or Friday, after the hubs completed the oral portion of his final Master's exam. We would have so much to celebrate this holiday season.

I was wrong. Open. Pee. Wait. "Not Pregnant". (I usually use the digital readouts because I have a tendency to see phantom pink lines.) My heart sank as I thought to myself "I knew it". As if telling myself "I told you so". This isn't fun anymore. It hasn't been for a while but I've been able to trick myself for so long into thinking it still was.

For those who know me in real life, I'm generally a very positive and optimistic person. I find joy in other people's joy and achievements. These feelings of anger and guilt and general negativity are not me. I feel very lost within myself. Today's a particularly bad day of feeling like this, so I apologize for using this space to vent that. Here's hoping the good, exciting things that are coming down the road will help me find my joy again.