Lost

Sorry it's been so long. I certainly didn't plan on writing such a dense post and then just leaving you all behind, but I was trying to focus and me and the hubs. Of course I completely missed my own 1 yr blogiversary, oops. Right now I'm looking forward to seeing Wicked, MY FAVORITE, for the 4th or 5th time (I've kind of lost track), hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year, and going to Disney World for Christmas! OK, so that is pretty exciting, but that's all future stuff.

When I look at what's happened since my last post there's nothing really to report that's positive or interesting. What has happened since the last post is why I'm writing today. I'm feeling very lost. I've been doing reasonably good with staying positive, but so many of my friends and acquaintances are announcing their pregnancies or getting ready to have their babies and I find my self becoming angry and sad, which is not the reaction I should be having for these people whom I genuinely care about and should be excited for. I know it's not their fault that this morning I had yet another negative test. And the conflict that's going in in my heart ultimately ends with me just feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I can even have a fleeting moment of resentment towards even my dearest friends. I feel guilty that I may be putting too much pressure on my husband. I feel guilty that I'm struggling to love myself and my body even though it's not cooperating with what I want it to do. And I feel guilty for questioning God and what he has planned for me. I have 2 more cycles before my next annual exam, which is when we'll be referred to a specialist, if we're still not pregnant by then. At that time it will have been 2 yrs and 1 mo since we first found out we were pregnant and miscarried. It will have been 1 yr and 4 mos of trying with no results since our last miscarriage. And it will be 1 wk until my 29th birthday.

I've been trying to push all this out of my mind and be more positive. This morning, for the first time since July, I allowed myself to be hopeful when I peed on that stick. Not guarded, not pessimistic, truly excited and hopeful. I just knew this time it was going to be positive. That we would be calling the doctor to schedule our early ultrasound and get me started on progesterone sometime next week, ideally Thursday or Friday, after the hubs completed the oral portion of his final Master's exam. We would have so much to celebrate this holiday season.

I was wrong. Open. Pee. Wait. "Not Pregnant". (I usually use the digital readouts because I have a tendency to see phantom pink lines.) My heart sank as I thought to myself "I knew it". As if telling myself "I told you so". This isn't fun anymore. It hasn't been for a while but I've been able to trick myself for so long into thinking it still was.

For those who know me in real life, I'm generally a very positive and optimistic person. I find joy in other people's joy and achievements. These feelings of anger and guilt and general negativity are not me. I feel very lost within myself. Today's a particularly bad day of feeling like this, so I apologize for using this space to vent that. Here's hoping the good, exciting things that are coming down the road will help me find my joy again.

Part of My Story

I’ve thought and hesitated about writing this post for a while. This is one of those posts that is not all sunshiny. It’s also long. You’ve officially been warned. I mostly decided I wanted to share this story because the more and more I read from bloggers with a similar experience, the more and more I realized how isolated you can feel when dealing with loss. Finding others with a similar tale has helped me, so I’m writing today in hopes that maybe I can help someone too.

One Year. Today. It’s officially been a whole year since my D&C. July 12, 2012. It was awful. I had just lost my father-in-law exactly two weeks, to the day, before, now I was losing my baby. I don’t remember much from that day. Everything was just black.

Me and the hubs with his mom and dad.

We had told my father-in-law we were pregnant on Father’s Day. We gave him a picture of him and my hubby, when he was a little boy. They were wearing their matching Batman t-shirts. With the picture we also gave him a Batman onesie. He didn’t get it at first. I think he was trying not to be too presumptuous. After all, it was only six months since we had had our first miscarriage. He didn’t handle that loss well, at all. We were so excited to give him his gift and when we told him, he cried. It was an amazing joy for all of us. We all needed that happy moment. He had been battling cancer, and losing. When he died on 6/28/12, eleven days after we had told him, we felt so blessed that he at least knew about the baby. When we went in for our first ultra sound and found out the baby had stopped developing my first semi-rational thought was how glad I was that I didn’t have to break the news to Marty.

 

I have written before about how 2012 was the worst year of my life so far. Technically it started December 14, 2011. We hadn’t been trying to get pregnant, the first time. A girlfriend of mine had recently been married, I was a bridesmaid, and the day after her wedding she told me about a dream she had had where I had a little girl. I tried to laugh it off, but it seemed to linger with me. I had never paid much attention to my cycle, so I didn’t know what a “normal cycle length” for me was, but on 12/9 I couldn’t stop thinking about babies, for some reason. When I looked at the calendar I realized I was at least past the 28-day average, so I took a test. PREGNANT. Hubs and I went through about every emotion possible in about 24 hours. By the next day, as we were walking the Reindeer Romp, instead of running it as originally planned, we were ecstatic about becoming parents. 12/14, less than a week after we had found out we were pregnant, I started bleeding, heavy, at work.  I had gone to the doc for a blood test the day before, so I called them as I tried to make my way home without going into a fit stage. I had had a chemical pregnancy. Many women don’t ever know they have this kind of a miscarriage. Some doctors don’t even classify it as a miscarriage, since the egg never properly attached to the wall. Just enough to trigger the start of the hormones. Honestly, if I hadn’t of had baby on the brain I would’ve never tested. But I had tested and it was a devastating loss for us and for our parents, who hadn’t even known we were pregnant yet, we were going to tell them at Christmas. I went in for my annual early Jan and was given some suggestions for when we wanted to start trying. We thought maybe we’d wait, since we hadn’t been trying, but after having gotten to a state of excitement to be parents, there was no turning back for us. We were definitely ready to start trying, after the recommended waiting time, of course.

We found out the second time on our anniversary weekend. It couldn’t have been better timing. We went to our first meeting with the doc’s office to discuss the process. Our first ultrasound was scheduled and we signed up for classes. We told his parents and my dad on father’s day. My mom was going to be coming in to town soon, so we decided to wait to tell her in person. Our hearts broke when we lost Marty, but we had hope for the future still. Mom bought us a crib to celebrate. I started having very minor spotting so my ultrasound was moved up by a week. We weren’t worried. We had made it to week 11! Then the tech quietly tells us that the baby’s measuring at only 6-7 weeks and there’s no heartbeat. If she said anything else after that I didn’t hear it. My world went deaf. A “missed miscarriage” they called it. Simply put, even though the baby had stopped developing my body still though it was pregnant, so it didn’t trigger the opening of my cervix to remove everything. The doc came in and we discussed the next step. Since I was spotting my body would probably naturally start the process in a few days to a couple weeks. I could be given a medication to trigger it all to start right away. Or I could have a D&C. I didn’t want to see that kind of blood again and I wanted to just get it over with, so I opted to do the D&C. It was more immediate and had more control as well, which appealed, since I felt like I had no control over anything at that moment. It was scheduled for the next morning, 7/12/12.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year already. What makes today harder is the fact that we haven’t been pregnant in that year either. In that year, however, we have found our optimism again. We’ve ran tests. Lots of tests. Results led to me being put on a daily baby aspirin, to try and help prevent future miscarriages from clotting; probably what caused mine, and the knowledge that I’ll be put on progesterone once we conceive again. Other than those, considered fairly minor issues, both the hubs and I are perfectly healthy and capable of conceiving, according to the doctors. We’ve started trying to take a more relaxed approach to our situation, to avoid putting too much stress on us, although, if we can conceive while we’re dealing with a parent who is battling cancer, I don’t see how stress is our issue. Of course, it has been nice not waking up and reaching for a thermometer every morning. Earlier this week, we thought maybe, since I was 8 days late, but after 3 negative tests I finally started. I think the HSG (a test to check that your cervix & tubes are open) that I had on day 7 of my cycle, which caused some minor bleeding, screwed with my body enough to cause the delay. We’ve decided to give it through the rest of the year before we start to discuss other steps and options. For now we are thinking happy thoughts, enjoying “us time”, and trusting in God’s plan for us. After we met with the doc last month both the hubs and I walked away agreeing we had a good feeling about everything, and that is the best feeling you could have when dealing with any matter. It’s one we haven’t had since December 2011.

For those who are new to this kind of loss. I’m sorry. Keeping your faith is the best piece of advice I can give you. Also, talk. As an expert rug-pusher, I know it’s not easy to bring up a subject like this with anyone, especially if they have no experience with it, but no good will ever come from keeping it bottled up. If you don’t have someone to talk to, talk to me. I’m happy to talk to anyone about anything, even if it’s not related to this topic.  

Celebrating Love in June!

Holy Time Warp Batman! How is June practically over already? It’s been crazy town here, which probably explains the fly-by. But it’s been a great month so far, with some great distractions. I know I sat down to type a post at least once every week since the last time I wrote only to get distracted or have something new come up that was more pressing, so I apologize on already shirking on my more posting promise. Time will only tell if I can actually make this a habit. Anyway, a quick update on my crazy, wonderful month:

June 1^st, the first friend I ever made at college, Stephanie, got married! It was a beautiful ceremony and reception, filled with dorky qualities, which the hubs LOVED, like the guys walking in to the Star Wars theme and a groom’s cake shaped like the TARDIS. As well as, some charming country style, the setting was a beautiful farm, and comfort food; hello honey chicken tenders and mac & cheese, not to mention a fun-fetti layer in the bridal cake!

June 4^th, my amazing hubby and I celebrated 3 amazing years of marriage! What did we do, you ask? We went to Holiday World & Splashin’ Safari! It’s a holiday themed amusement park with a huge safari themed water park attached in Santa Claus, IN. It’s a favorite of mine and it was so much fun to go just the two of us. The best part; we went on a Tuesday, when many schools in the area are still in session, so there were so few crowds that we could ride our favorite rides twice and the longest wait for a water slide was 15-20 mins!

June 8^th, one of my other great college friends, Lauren, whom I met shortly after Stephanie, since they were roommates, got married! Sadly, I couldn’t be there, because it was in CA and I had been asked to help chaperone a trip to DC with my hubby. While I was super bummed I couldn’t be there, especially since another one of my dear friends, Ellen, who was in the wedding, also got engaged that weekend, Loli was very understanding and I’m so grateful to her for that. She was a B-E-A-utiful bride both inside and out!

June 10^th – 13^th, it was off to DC with us! My amazing teacher husband had 5 kids make it to the national competition for National History Day! For those who don’t know, it’s kind of like the national science fair, but with history. It was my first time to DC and it was amazing! We drove, which wouldn’t have been bad if it hadn’t rained the entire time we were driving, both there and back. We were only there for a few days and only got to spend one day actually in DC seeing the sights, the rest were spent at competition things at the University of Maryland – College Park, but I definitely got enough of a taste to know I want to go back again and again!

June 15^th, was another trip to Holiday World with some girlfriends for our annual girls weekend in June. It was fun, of course, but I found I had gotten spoiled with the low crowd levels of my previous visit. First world problems, I know! If you ever find yourself even a few hours away from this great place you should definitely check it out! A quick tip to save you money, bring a cooler with lunch. Since drinks, sunscreen and parking are free why not eliminate the only other thing you’d have to spend money one while you’re there? I’d also recommend getting a locker and some ice cream, but it’s not a must.  

The rest of the month has been filled with testing stuff, more on that later, busy times at work, no one really wants to hear about that, and generally trying to be happier and optimistic. We’ve done some other minor activities but I figured I’d just keep it to the big points. Blake and I are both on the positive vibes and have good feelings about this summer, which is a very different tune than last summer! To be honest, it’s hard not to be positive, what with all the weddings, anniversaries and engagements that have been flooding my news feed this month, plus the news from the Supreme Court yesterday, I’d say June is a bigger month for celebrating love than February! How has love embraced your month? 

Reboot!

To say I’ve been in a funk for the last seven months would be an understatement. I’ve had a severe case of the doldrums, to say the least.

dol·drums: noun plural \ˈdōl-drəmz, ˈdäl-, ˈdȯl-\

1: a spell of listlessness or despondency

2 often capitalized: a part of the ocean near the equator abounding in calms, squalls, and light shifting winds

3: a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or slump

2012 was one of the worst years of my life, so while I don’t know exactly what I was expecting from 2013, I was expecting something! Instead I’ve found myself just going through the motions of each day, waiting for that something to show itself. If I’m really being honest here, I had hoped that something would be a baby or at least a pregnancy. So far, no such luck there. Well, with another negative test in the trash I’m finding myself a little sick of waiting, so I’m going to attempt at pulling myself from this mud pit I’ve been trudging through and try something new.

I’m not 100% on what all this will include but I do know it will involve me doing some more talking. Don’t get me wrong, I could probably have a conversation with a tree, but that’s mostly because A) I’m not concerned about a tree judging me or giving me a “you poor thing” look, and B) it probably would be a fairly superficial conversation in which I don’t really tell the full story, just in case that tree somehow grows a face and gives me that look I’ve been hiding from.

This new stuff will involve this blog. I started it last September with no true direction to go in. Part of that lack of direction was because I wasn’t even sure how much of my life I actually wanted to share with others. As a result, it went nowhere, fast. A few months ago I came across this great blog called Sawdust & Embryos. I fell in love with her personality and I also realized that part of the appeal of the blog was the fact that she was honest about her struggles. It made me realize that my favorite bloggers are the ones that let a lot of their true colors show. They blog for themselves and we’re all just along for the ride, usually because we can relate in some way to what they’re going through.

So here I am, getting ready to start a new month and the second half of the year, and I’m ready to reboot. For those who chose to follow along here’s a warning: I will be writing for myself, no one else, as a result, I will tolerate no negativity. I kind of have a sick sense of humor, a sarcastic attitude, and can bounce from the extreme optimist to the extreme pessimist in the same thought. It makes for a dizzy conversation to follow. I apologize in advance. In my everyday life, I’m a rug-pusher, bad, so there may be days when I have a vent session more than anything. For that, I also apologize in advance. Also, I tend to write like I talk and I tend to ramble when I talk. I will do my best to not make extremely long posts, but I make no promises. My goal is to be as open and honest about my life, both the good stuff and the things I struggle with, so if you have a question, feel free to ask in the comments.

I know myself well enough to know that if I take on too much at once I won’t do any of it, so I am not going to commit to posting more than once or twice a week, for now. Hopefully as this becomes more of a habit I’ll get better. That being said I’ll be leaving tonight for Nashville, as a dear friend of mine is getting married tomorrow, so I probably will not be posting again this weekend. Of course that means my next post will probably be light and pretty, since I’ll still be hoped up on lovey-dovey wedding juice.

Have a great weekend!

PS: I’ll finally be putting together a new header, so get excited for that! (It’s the little things)

Forgiveness

It’s officially been a full week in 2013! How are your resolutions going? Mine? Some are great! Others, like working on my blog more, ha, not so great. Note the typo that still exists in my title. (As an English major this is driving me up the wall!) The hubs and I made a sort of goal list for 2013. It’s long and intimidating, so we decided to also layout time frames for when we hope to accomplish/do the things on our list. This seemed to make it less daunting. Of course, I still came out of the gate full steam and had all these grand plans and ideas for how I was going to change and be better in every way! So, when I found myself falling back into old habits or not having worked on some things that were on my long list I suddenly realized I needed to gain a bit of perspective, IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!!!! I also realized that I maybe needed to add something to my resolutions list: FORGIVENESS. It’s so easy to get down on ourselves when we set out to start something new and then struggle with it. I know I’m not the only one out there, maybe some of you are finding that you may need to add forgiveness to your resolutions as well. In my head it’s easy to be logical and recognize that I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be, as well as, change takes time and routines aren’t formed in a day. Of course than this nagging voice comes in and I start comparing myself with others, which makes me feel bad about myself and the fact that I haven’t fixed that stupid typo. As I’m in bed typing all this, that right, I’m writing a post at night and not at work like a responsible person (point for me!), I actually find myself laughing at my personal criticisms and what things I struggle with. I know a lot of people whose biggest struggle is with their weight and dieting. Once upon a time, I was one of those people, but then in 2008 I reached my heaviest and found out that not only was I a little over 30% body fat, but at 23 years old I was just south of the high cholesterol border! It was a wake-up call for me, so I joined Weight Watchers and made a lifestyle change. I’m still no stick, far from it, and honestly, I just don’t have the mental drive to ever work hard enough to have rock hard abs, but I’m healthy. What does this story really have to do with anything? Its part of what I’m finding so funny about myself right now. It took me almost 2 years to reach my goal weight and be happy with whom I was physically. And I became the kind of person that, when it came to food and making the right choices, I was able to take it one week, one day, and one meal at a time. I didn’t get down on myself when I had that piece of candy, and I certainly didn’t say “screw it” and eat three boxes of candy. I learned to not get down on myself or deny myself something I wanted that wasn’t the best for me. It was an amazing feeling when I realized how I had changed. Now, as I work to take off the extra 15lbs I put on during me emotional downhill spiral of 2012, I find I still have that mentality and my food and weight resolutions are the ones I’m sticking to the most. Yet here I am laughing at myself because I still have that wrong mentality when it comes to things that are not nearly as important as my health. But, in writing this, I’m hoping that I can start to forgive myself for not done, or even started on, every single thing on my great big list. Again I say to myself, IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!!!! I actually struggled with myself to even write this post, not because I was afraid that I would expose some weakness to strangers, I didn’t really care about that, but because was this close to saying “f*** it” because I didn’t really have anything exciting to share or fixed that damn typo. But then I found myself reaching for the remote to watch an hour or so of TV before falling asleep and instead decided I could send that time aimlessly rambling on my blog instead, and you know what? I’m glad I did! Because, while there was no real direction or goal for this post, I find myself at the end here feeling slightly renewed in my energy to be better and the knowledge that tomorrow is a new day and another chance to get back on the new routine horse. I find myself, forgiving, and it’s made me happy, which is the whole reason I even started blogging; because it made me happy to do so. I hope you all are not giving up easily on your resolutions. Is there something that you resolved to do that you haven’t started on this week? If so, don’t worry, there’s always tomorrow.

FYI: I haven’t fixed the stupid typo yet because I haven’t quite decided on where I want to go with my blog facelift, as well as, I usually make my title with Photoshop, which I only have on my computer at work, and I have not found the time at the office to work on it. Sorry if it’s been bothering you. If you can’t tell it’s been driving me crazy too. Hopefully that’ll be a project I can take care of this weekend. 

Here's to a brighter and better 2013!!

Well HELLO Blogosphere! Long time no see! Have you missed me? Probably not, but that’s ok, I’ve missed you!

So, after what basically was a two month break from doing anything but the bare necessities of my life to get me through what’s left of what has been a very tough year, I’m feeling optimistic about 2013! (Did you like that giant run-on sentence?) For those who don’t know me well or in person, a little insight: 2012 has been a major suck-fest for my husband and I. We’ve had more heart-break, loss, and accidents just this year than most people our age have had in their lives so far, and frankly it’s been hard on my soul. So where’s my optimism coming from? I’ve always liked the idea of second chances and clean slates, and for most people, the New Year is a fresh start to try again. The idea that 2013 is going to better has been something I’ve longed for just a few months in to 2012, but as things got worse the idea that 2013 would even come, let alone be better, was slipping away. Then August happened; the first month since December of 2011 that we didn’t find ourselves coping with bad news. That was also the month the new school year started for the hubs, a teacher. Having a good month and that new start seemed to renew my hope for a better future. I mean; if starting a new school year can trigger the light shining through, think of what starting a whole new year can do! While, we still have a ways to go in the easing of the heart aches we’ve endured, the knowledge that we’ve finally made it to the end of 2012 and, knock on wood, have continued to progress out of the darkness that seemed to consume us, has found my faith renewed in the belief that we will make it and we will continue to have brighter and happier days ahead of us.

So, with a bright future ahead in 2013, what are my resolutions? Well number one on my list is to blog more! I’m going to start with a minor facelift, to refresh my look, and fix the typo that apparently has been in my title since I started in September. HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME!!!! I was mortified when I noticed that this morning. I’ll also be working on my great big list of 30 things. What are your resolutions?